Ah.. where to begin. I guess we have to go back to February of this year. The day I told my parents that my ex-husband and I would be splitting up. I called my brothers before I spoke to my parents, sort of just to get a little practice giving shocking news to family before sitting down in person with my parents. My ex and I had decided the best thing was to keep the details to ourselves. At least for the time being. We were still good friends at the time and wanted to salvage any part of our relationship, knowing full well that the divorce itself would be hard enough. We also felt that keeping things between us was better for our kids. As shitty as it is, we all know that sometimes family is the worst when it comes to saying hurtful things, and my ex and I didnt want family members spouting off things even 10 years from now that would be hurtful to our kids. And thirdly.. bc really, it's was none of their business. Obviously, it was between he and I, and we wanted to keep it that way.
I called my younger brother first. A couple of weeks before the day I told my parents actually. I knew no one would be happy about it, but I assumed between my parents, my older brother, and my younger brother, he'd be the most gracious about it. He'd be the one to say "I hate this for you, but you have my support as a sister." Well - I was wrong. Instead, I got,
"I knew this was coming"
Well. Wow. Would you care to explain? He went on to bring up my new jeep, my new boobs, and the fact that I sing in a band. Because you know.. when you get THAT combination going - you are definitely headed for divorce. In fact, that's exactly why my ex and I split. He preferred foreign cars, saggy boobs and jazz music. It just wasnt going to work out between us.
So after he explained his take on it - which was as far from what was really going on as possible - I kindly let myself off the phone and realized no matter what I said, even my own family was going to have their minds made up to believe what they wanted to. So, yay for that!
So then in February (sorry for the little detour), I decided it was the day to tell my parents. My ex had found a place, was moving out, and it was time. I waited until we were separating bc I knew my parents would try to intervene. My ex and I had been struggling with our decision for a year. It wasnt easy. It was extremely complicated. I didnt want my family stepping in with their "sanctimonious baptistology" thinking they could save the day in a few weeks. So I called my older brother, Jeff, that morning. The conversation went somethign like this, except drawn out for an hour and a half and much more frustrating:
"Jeff, I wanted to let you know that X and I are getting a divorce. He is moving out this week. We have been dealing with this decision for a year and have been to counseling and it's just time for us to move on."
"um.. are you serious?"
"yes"
"Amy.. what? why?"
"We are keeping the details to ourselves and ask that you respect our relationship, and our kids, and just let it be. We may be able to talk details at some point, but for now, we are going to try to honor what is left so we can stay friends and be good parents."
"That is not acceptable. You need to tell me why. How come I havent heard about this?"
"Well, Jeff, you werent one of the ones I talked to. I've never really had that relationship with you. Dont take offense."
"You didnt let your family know? We deserve to know. You can tell mom and dad what you just told me. You have to tell us why."
"um.. no. I really dont. I need you to respect our relationship, and our kids, and you need to be okay with that for now. This isnt your decision."
"Who have you been going to counseling with? Anyone who told you divorce is an option is not a good counselor. You're obviously hanging out with the wrong crowd."
"ok.. now you're starting to push me a little too hard Jeff. We went to counseling at FBC and I spoke with people I trust, including our cousin who you and I both respect. So just because I dindt come to you, doesnt mean I didnt get good counsel. And you and I dont see eye to eye anyway"
This went on for quite some time. Until finally, he said
"Well, I'm going to be there tonight when you tell mom and dad"
"No. You're not. This is between me and them. Not me and them and you."
"No. I'm going to be there."
"Jeff. If you are there when I drive up, I will just leave. You have no right to be there. You need to let this go."
"If you leave when you see me, I will tell them myself."
"Wow. I'm hanging up now."
You get the idea. He called back 30 minutes later and said I was right. And that he would only come when it was over. I said, fine, I'll text you when I'm done.
Skip forward to that evening at my parents house. I sit down wtih them, and tell them what is going on. I gave them a little more info than I gave Jeff. My dad wanted to know if there was anyone else involved, or abuse or anything like that. Of course neither were true. We talked about an hour. Got through it, and even though they were visibly shocked and distraught, I could tell that we were going to get through it together. My mom had stopped crying. My dad got up to make coffee and offered me a cup. I said I needed to get going, that we could go to lunch in a couple of weeks and keep talking -move on from here. That's when I saw movement in the backyard.. and then I heard my mom say "oh no. Amy, dont leave. Dont leave. The boys are here. Oh my god. Amy dont leave and dont be mad." She started crying and panicking. I rolled my eyes thinking about how long they had been back there. I told my parents "I'll stay for a minute to say hi, but I'm out. I gotta go home. Jeff jumped the gun anyway, I asked him not to come until I was done."
So I'm getting my shoes and coming towards the backdoor to just say hi, when I notice i'ts not just my two brothers. It's my two brothers, and their wives. Hm.. my older brother actually got a sitter so he could bring his wife. Both girls - both of whom I had not spoken with - bc I hadnt even talked to my parents yet before they left to come over. Both girls with whom I dont have the relationship at all to discuss this with yet. But here the four of them are. Like a pretty little intervention.
They come in and the room is quiet. Like it should be considering they werent invited. In order to make my aggrivation known, I said exactly this:
"Well, that's funny. Mom was fine until you guys got here."
And who do you think speaks up at this point? My dad? Nope. My brother? Nuh uh. The first one to speak up is good ol' Tiffany Smith Zumwalt. And with a look of anger and accusation on her face, she says to me "Oh no. Dont blame this on us Amy. Dont put this on us. We didnt do this!"
Now let me pause here and give you a visual of the situation. Especially important bc it has been severely altered in the retelling, as I just found out last night. I was standing on the carpeted floor of my parents living room. Just outside the doorway to the tiled kitchen. Tiffany was standing just inside the backdoor int he kitchen, about 4 steps from me. When she decided it was a good idea for her to open her mouth in this setting, I looked at her, and I said EXACTLY this:
"Well. You know. I KIND OF understand why my brothers are here. Kind of. They are my brothers. I assume they care about me. They are here for mom and dad. Fine. EVEN THOUGH I SPECIFICALLY told JEff it was not his place to come and he AGREED to wait until I texted him, I still KINDA GET why he and Danny are here." And then I pointed my finger at Tiffany - 4 steps from myself - took a step towards her iwth ONE foot. (still standing on the carpet with my right foot, my left foot now on the tile, still now 2 full steps away from her) and said "But WHY THE HELL ARE YOU TWO here?" (now including my other sister-in-law)
Now. I will grant you that my voice was raised. And I will grant you that the look on my face was full of adrenaline and anger. But I did not touch, nor COULD I TOUCH her from where I was standing. I did not say anything besides what I typed above. That was the extent of it.
At that point, my older brother Jeff jumped around from behind Tiffany, and in order to "protect her from his pointing sister" physically hit me right above my right ear, and hard. WAs his fist balled up in a punch? Not really. Was it a slap? Hell no. Somewhere in the middle. And let me tell you this. I have been in two abusive relationships in the past where I have been hit, shoved, pushed and kicked. But I had not been hit in the head, as hard as my loving older brother hit me.
It gets even better.
My younger brother did nothing. (oh.. he did pick up my glasses off the floor). My dad got between Jeff and I (bc at this point I was slapping at him as much as I could and yelling God knows what about how we were through) but never did anything as far as even reprimand my brother for his act of violence. My mom was crying and panicking of course.
I left the house, yelling about how my mom had better open the door so I didnt say something to "that bitch" that I would regret.
Since then - my brothers dont speak to me. They say that since I wont let them "speak into my life" that I have cut them out. They do however hang out with my ex in order to see my kids. My parents and I had sorta started working things out, although they still dont see anything wrong with what Jeff did. But now that I'm dating Chantry they are back to square one.
Every other guy I know has told me that their dad, their brothers, their cousins, their guy friends, would NEVER sit by and watch a girl get hit without doing something. Someone even told me their dad would come out of his grave if he did that. I think tha'ts how it should be. But not my family. The fact that my ex and I split is unforgivable. But we can hit. Bc Jesus likes that better.
So last night I was out with a friend of one of Tiffany's best friends. And she told me that the story that my family is spreading, is that I attacked Tiffany. And THAT is why my brother needed to hit me. And THAT is why they dont have anything to do with me anymore. I attacked her, lunged at her, pushed my finger into her chest and cussed her out.
You know... If I ran into her today? I would probably make that happen. Because hey. If you're gonna say thats how it went down, in order to justify your husbands behavior, then let's just make it the truth. Oh, by the way, Jeff has a history with anger management and violence issues. Tiffany, ask your brother Sergio about the time Jeff hit him at work in front of everyone. And everyone wonders why I dont want Jeff around my kids. Hmm..
So much for cliff's notes.
No comments:
Post a Comment