i dont know yet...

this week has been a rollercoaster. emotionally. physically. mentally. i dont seem to be able to handle as much emotional turmoil as i used to be able to. i'm beginning to feel defeated in some ways.

there so many grey areas in life. they make it hard to make decisions, i think. i have a fear of regret. i want to make the best choices, so that i dont look back and think i wasted my life. there are always mistakes, but as long as i feel that the mistakes worked out for the best, then it's fine. i am at a place this week where i am having to close my eyes and trust what i know in the deepest parts of me. not what is around me. not what i see. hear. sense. feel. but emotions are so strong. sometimes stronger than physical evidence, and i've been sort of in awe at that reality this week. 

i guess it would be described as faith. hanging on to something you believe to be true despite the perception of reality you may have at that moment in life. i think that's true. i think that's necessary.

from a more secular perspective, it would be simply realizing that we as humans are complex. there is so much to balance between our minds, our emotions, our wants, needs, memories, experiences, hopes, fears... we have to be able to step outside of our current situation and look at things from outside the chaos. ive had a few times this week where I had to tell myself to keep my mouth shut, and dont believe what i'm thinking bc it wasnt consistent with the other factors in my life. dont trust myself in other words. that is a hard thing. we like to think we are the center of it all so if we cant trust ourselves than who can we trust? 

i do believe we are created beings. and in that case, we arent the center of it all, so for me to really trust me is probably foolish. how can i trust someone who's made so many mistakes? it doesnt make it easier to figure things out sometimes, but it does at least hlep me relax and breathe. let go and wait things out. it's a good thing to realize i dont have to have it all figured out. have it all in my own control. bc weeks like this remind me that it's just too much. 

there's a word i used to dwell on - it reminded me i didnt have to figure it all out and do it all myself. REST. I think it's time for me to focus on that again.  I need some rest in my life.