running

I've decided I am determined to learn how to LOVE to run. I used to run in junior high and early high school because I was in basketball/athletics, but I hated it. Of course back then, there were no ipods. You probably werent even allowed to bring a "walkman". Sometimes the coach would put a boombox out (yes, a boombox) and play a mix tape she had for off-season running - but still - laps around the basketball courts to old school dc talk really wasnt great - but it was better than running to the sound of everyone's squeaky gym shoes.

I envy runners. I know it leans you out and it's easy to do anywhere... and I've always WANTED to LOVE running. Find the therapy in it. But I dont. I HATE it. My brain wont turn off. I think about how far I've gone. How far I still have to go. How many times I'd have to do what I've already done to finish what I said I would finish. Then when I get really tired, I tell myself I've done enough... and I quit. And then I feel guilty, and defeated, and that's the end of that. Somehow that never happens to me on the elliptical at the gym.. but running... grr....

However - I believe that I have what I need now. I have figured out what will keep me on the road from now until the heat gets unbearable and I move to the gym track. Two things.

1) A great playlist. Finally. I dont normally listen to the kind of music you'd want to run to. Brandi Carlile, Blue October and Katie Herzig dont really get you going. But I've gathered some new favorites and some lists from friends of mine who run - and I feel ready.

2) A photoshopped image of what my body COULD look like if I was a runner... I'm 5'10".. Come on.. I have potential (just based on my height and the fact that I'm a pear shape with long legs) to be really HOT! I took a picture of myself, "liquified" that sucker, perfected my legs and BAM! really? I could look like THAT?!? I am keeping that picture on my iphone. And right next to it, the picture before I edited. And if that isnt a kick in the pants...

So that's it. Those are my tools. That, and I'm going to be running the road - trying to keep my mind from analyzing the track. I'm just going to put everything I have into this.. believing that even *I* can learn to LOVE to run. So... here goes nothing.

If I could reach you by letter...

I miss you so much! I feel like I might forget you are real. I don't know how much longer I can do this. The time we get together is so little... And it's gotten less and less

often as time goes by.

I know without a doubt that you love me deeply. I have to make myself remember sometimes, but I do believe even though I don't feel it often, it's still real. I think sometimes, that maybe I'd be happier if I let go, and found someone else who would be better at showing how he feels about me, or someone who was more consistently happy. But I keep believing that if I just hang on a little longer, you'll come back.. more often... and stay longer each time.

Everyone tells me to stop. I don't even like telling my friends anymore how I feel about you or that we're sorta back together. Because I know they disapprove. I look like that stupid girl who doesn't know when to quit. But they don't understand. They don't know you. I know you. And I achingly love the man that I know. Even the shadow of yourself that you leave behind when you go. I love that part too, but he is draining me. He doesn't give back, so when you leave, I keep giving, in so many ways, trying to show him what you and I have together. Hoping he'll see that it's better whwn we're together, and he'll let you come back more often.

But I don't think he gets it. Or he doesn't seem to care. He just isn't happy. I wish I could help him be more like you... So there wasn't such an obvious difference between you. But he's empty I think. Like a shell. He has nothing to pull from, no way to be filled. I can't fill him. But I keep trying. I don't know any other way.

I don't tell you all this to make you feel bad for leaving me here. But so you know why I cling to you so hard when you come back. And to tell you I am hanging on the best that I can. I had given up for a while, but I'm trying one more time to wait. Please hear me.

Yours always,
A