is it wrong to be satisfied?

I guess I am surprised at how I honestly feel about my life at this point. If you asked me ten years ago where I wanted to be at age 30, I seriously doubt I would have said "divorced, dealing with a big loss in my business from an economic disaster, and living back in the same area I basically grew up in." But then again, you'd be asking a 20 year old. And WTF does she know?

I'm happy. I am where I am and it's not what I planned, but I am at peace. I am growing. I am watching myself become who I decide to be. I am learning from my mistakes. I like my personality. I am proud of my accomplishments, my ability to make a living from my hobbies, my family, my beliefs, my opportunities, my experiences and my newfound ability to be okay with these stretches of life where things are hard, painful, destructive and demanding of change. A good friend told me a few weeks ago "Wherever you are in life right now, BE there."

I used to feel the need to be in a place where others would look and say "she's on the right path. she's making the right choices. she's got it together." But you know, right now, I'm not there. I AM in a place that's good for me. But on the outside, it's anything but obvious. I am accused of making bad choices. Being selfish. Not seeking. Not growing. Disconnected from my foundation... But it's not true at all. And I'm finally okay with whatever it might look like on the outside. Because for once, I'm at peace because I know in my core that I'm learning more in this single year than possibly the past 29. It looks to my parents, my brothers, my old friends, that I've fallen apart... gone off the deep end.. whatever.. but it's actually quite the opposite.

I finally know WHO I AM, and that is an amazing feeling.

Have I made mistakes? Obviously. Do I have any regrets? Only one. My only regret in life is the pain I caused my ex-husband. I dont regret our relationship, and I wouldnt trade it for a different marriage that didnt end. But I do regret that I didnt know at 22 what I know now. His pain is the one thing I would change in my life if I had the option.

But everything else, all the mistakes, I own them and I have grown from them and I dont want to know what parts of me would be missing, different, unfamiliar if I hadnt made them.

I dont know how long this stage will last. But I'm owning it... recognizing that I'm still being transformed into whatever it is I'm supposed to be. Even if you don't see it. Because I honestly dont need YOU to see it anymore. Because really? WTF do YOU know?

big

fat

smile :)